The Blue Monster
Monday, October 04, 2004
Party Time
Have I been sleeping? I awoke to the sound of children giggling. When I stumbled to the seat from my hungover slumber I found someone at the window. It was Ray's kids. They were trying to give me something.
It was pink. It had Barbies on it. And it was written "TO: to" and "FROM: from". I guess it was for me. It was an invitation to a party. The party was to be held in Ray's daughters' bedroom. I wasn't all that interested. But I hadn't been out of the car for some fun in months. So I thought, why not?
Once I got inside I found that it was nothing more than a couple kids, two balloons, and some toys.
I was hoping for naked chicks. This was the best I could do.
It was time to turn this into a real party. I headed downstairs and grabbed a handful of beers from Ray's fridge. He must be broke. All he had were some old Natural Ice. But ... it was bottled, and cold. Once the kids got a couple bottles in their systems they started making this face ...
And this ...
AND THIS! ...
Now ... the party wasn't so bad. The kids and I really started enjoying ourselves. Ray's son took a liking to a stuffed toy. I don't know what the hell he was mumbling about. Something about Pokemon. At any rate, he was having a good time.
You know any time you get a couple of kids drunk, you have to take turns doing body stack push-up's. Ray's son did a much better job than I did lifting him up. And you have to admit ... this kid is doing pretty good for light-body with 4 beers in him!
Ray's daughter joined in the fun, and gave me a piggy back ride back to the car where I promptly passed out cold.
Thanks for the good time, kids. Now ... when is Ray going to take me out drinking?
Sunday, June 06, 2004
Movie Day
I got up a while ago and decided I would head inside. Ray rented a movie the other day that I was interested in, so in I go.
The kids were nice enough to show me where I could find the movie. They are a little quicker than I am getting up those stairs.
I stopped along the way to hang out with the kids. They made me wear these stupid glasses.
And then I played a short game with them of Mario Party. God I love Mario Party.
Okay, enough video games. I was on a mission. I headed into Ray's bedroom looking for his rental DVD.
Jackpot! Just where the kids told me to look.
YES! Just the movie I was hoping for. MONSTER!!!!
I popped in the movie and watched the whole damn thing.
What a waste of time. Not once did I see any monsters. Just two chicks that were like ... lesbians or something. I really didn't get it. I guess I should have read the back of the box. I would have seen this had nothing to do with monsters. Just some crazy prostitute that started killing people. Whatever.
A special note to Ray: Ray, please rent something with real monsters in it next time. THANKS!
Sunday, May 23, 2004
A Good Day For Drinking
I got up this morning and I had one thing on my mind. Getting drunk. So I crawled out of the Bug and headed inside to Ray's house.
Once inside I was confronted by Ray's kids. What the hell are they doing up so early? Oh, it's noon! I must have slept in again.
Upsie-Daisy!!
Ray keeps his liquor up pretty high. On the fridge. But not high enough. I can get up there.
Not a lot to chose from, but this here will work.
That liquor hit the furry blue spot. Now for some fun.
This is the dogs water dish. Ray won't notice if I replace their water with some of this good stuff.
It seemed like a good idea at the time. But these dumb dogs won't leave me alone now. The black one tried to hump me.
The brown one just took a really long nap. And speaking of naps! Be back later! Seems like a good time to get back in the bug and pass out. I hope I don't barf. Ray would kill me.
Saturday, May 22, 2004
It's way too hot today to be out there. It must be about 90 degrees. It's a good day to stay inside and get drunk off of Ray's beer.
Sunday, May 16, 2004
MONSTERHACK
For those of you who didn't know, I am not only a furry blue monster with a drinking problem, I am also a hacker. Ray would like to think he is the only one around here with any skills (rolling eyes). Give me 5 minutes on his customized iBook and I will hack CIRCLES around that tall ass dork. Take this for example, I went out to Yahoo Greetings today and found eCards of YOURS TRUELY!!
When I go to use one, I see this above the picture. Oh, so you have to be a member of Yahoo Greetings?
This is why it pays to be a criminal GENIUS, and not some puss who will just create a Yahoo account. I bring up the pictures, and do a right click. Or in the case of Ray's laptop, I do a CTRL+Click over the pictures and copy it to the clipboard. STOLEN!!!
And now it's just a matter of opening up a new message, and pasting it into place. STOLEN!!! YAH!!
Now, just to gloat, I send Ray the Yahoo greeting. I know Ray will be wondering how I did it, because he didn't even GIVE ME A YAHOO account. I bet he begs to know how I did it.
So, not to brag or anything, but you have to admit I have skills. I might start a hacking group. If you want to be in it you can send me email (monster AT gloop.net). But I am running this group, and if you want to be in it you have to be l33t like me. I don't want any lamers in my group. Only the l33t need apply. We can write articles, and have a zine and stuff. I bet our group will be the l33test on the scene!
Anyway, I gotta go now. Ray wants his laptop back. I am going to go boot my lappy into Knoppix and get back to learning how to use it. Maybe Mr_Happy will be in #thebroken (irc.abducted.us) and can help me out!!
Screw Ray, and Screw DM Too
Okay, first of all ... the next time DM starts mean muggin' me again, he is getting his ass tore up from the floor up. We were hanging out Friday night, and he still can't get over the fact that one week ago, I royally kicked his ass. So since then, the has been giving me these cold stares, and mumbling shit.
Homeboy, just so you know ... Ray was holding me back. Ray, you need to hook me up. Its been raining all weekend, and you KNOW that you have bad door seals in the bug. Are you planning on replacing that, or are you just waiting for the door to rust from the inside out? Just wondering.
By the way, we should go Wardriving today. I miss those long talks we have when we are out on the road. I will hold your laptop for you. It would be fun. Think about it.
Monday, May 10, 2004
Discount Man Learns His Lesson
Discount Man can over this evening, and he was chilling in the basement at Rays house. We were having some conversations about laptops, and I mentioned that his Sony VAIO was the kind of laptops that homosexuals take to coffee shops. He started mouthing off and talking all this crap about my mother being a muppet, and that got me REALLY mad.I went straight for the jugular on that punk.
He dropped like a sack of potato's. Then I went for the family jewels. BLAUGH!
I put him into a sleeper hold, and that was all she wrote. He was out like a switch.
By the way, thank you Ray for taking the pictures of this whole ordeal. And as for you Discount Man, YOU BETTAH' COME CORRECT!
Saturday, May 08, 2004
Lazy Saturday Afternoon
So I wake up this morning, and I am ON FIRE. It must be 120 degrees in Ray's Bug. That jerk could have at least cracked a window for me. I know I probably shouldn't get out and wander around during the day. Ray would kill me. But I thought I might sneak out and see what's going on inside.
As soon as I walk in the door, these idiot dogs come over and get RIGHT in my face. Housepets are really stupid. Go fetch a bone. Beat it!
It was a lot cooler in the house. Must be nice. I REALLY wanted something cold. Ray's all right. He keeps his beer on the bottom shelf. Speaking of Ray, I could see the basement lights were on. He was down there drilling away on his keyboard. I knew if he caught me in his beer, he would be pretty pissed. But he won't notice one beer missing.
I got a little nervous when I heard some commotion outside. It turned out to be the neighbors playing their music really loud and dancing around the driveway. Humans in general can be pretty stupid looking, but a fat white guy in a polo shirt dancing to Snoop Dog is just ... well you know. Ray's wife is always stocking the cabinet FULL of Little Debbies. Like those peanut butter things. Nutty Buddies! I wanted a Nutty Buddy. Even if she notices some snacks missing, she will blame the kids.
After a Nutty Buddy, and half a beer, I was feeling refreshed. I headed upstairs to poke around. Ray left his bedroom door standing open, and his laptop sitting out. He won't mind if I take a peek. I was hoping to find some nice Monster Porn, but it looks like all Ray has been doing on his laptop lately is working on his stupid wardriving book. LAME.
On my way back downstairs, I stopped to say a few words to Ray's kid Andy. Andy is all right. He's a smart kid. I don't think he really likes me too much, but I don't really have anyone else to hang out with.
Andy sat me down and explained all his Pokemon stickers to me. These ugly ass creatures are wierder looking than me. There is this one Pokemon that looks kind of like me. Horns and everything. When Andy wasn't looking, I swiped it.
After chilling with Andy for a bit, I went next door to say hello to his sister. Bella is really nice to me. Almost too nice. I'm supposed to be scary to kids this age, but she is always hugging on me. It's a little embarassing.
Bella insisted on checking my blood pressure, and heart rate. I think I am pretty healthy for a middle aged plush toy. No major ailments or heart defects.
I got bored with all these kids games, and so I recommended we find something more fun to do. The neighbors have this little yappy dog that's about half as tall as me. Every time I try to head down to the gas station un-noticed, that retarded housepet yaps at me. I told Andy and Bella we should get a pillow case, trap that dog in it, and then throw it in the ditch down the street.
It turns out that those kids are a little kinder than I had thought. They were growing tiresome of my company. At one point, Andy threatened to go get Ray out of the basement and tell him that I had left the back seat again. And so I had worn out my welcome, and I headed home.
I really like my home, but it's just so hot. And Ray leaves me in there *ALL* the time. He is always saying that I will "scare away any potential thieves". Hell, maybe I will steal his car. It's so damned small, MY feet can almost reach the pedals.
Another day perhaps. It's a nice day for sunbathing and a nap.
